When my son was born, I fancied buying myself a watch to commemorate the occasion, little did I know that I was about to stumble upon some of the worst watches ever made.
Surfing around internet watch shops and watch forums, I’d hoped to find something classy, but also different enough to stand out from the usual suspects. It was in searching for something ‘different’ though that led me into the dark alleyways of horrendous horology. Just take a look at some of these abominations.
My mouth dropped when I saw Steven Tyler’s Rolex. Perhaps this fierce-looking Rollie is to blame for the Aerosmith frontman’s slack chops too. But is it one of the worst watches ever?
Gamma radiation-resistant? Hmm…dunno. I wouldn’t get it angry though.
A truly terrible watch for terrible people who listen to terrible music and wear terrible black t-shirts with wolves and shit on them. Put the aesthetics to one side though, and just check out the dial: you’d have to angle your palm upside down and outwards like a work experience mime artist just to read the time. Terrible.
The only watch you might be tempted to run an Auto Trader history check on, this cut and shut monstrosity is…you know what…the more I see it, the more I kinda dig it. I’m actually kinda split on this one. Maybe not one of the worst watches ever.
There’s a whole range of these beauties! Whimsical Watches take a cheap watch and transform it into, well, a cheap watch with a crap picture on it. They aim to make watches that demonstrate a person’s hobbies or profession, making each a thoughtful gift you can give to your loved one. We’re on ropey ground already in the style stakes, but it’s the sheer number of these that make them truly awful. They’ve used up all the obvious careers and pastimes and have now found themselves in pretty niche territory. Of the three shown above:
The first is obviously for lovers of quilting; I say ‘”obviously” because it was so un-obvious that they had to write it above the sewing machine.
The second is for orthopaedic doctors. I mean, you’re narrowing down your market from the start, but how many doctors would wear this?
The third (I’m starting to think this should have been a ‘guess the profession’ game) is for massage therapists, not nighttime stranglers as first assumed.
Have to admit, I’m more than a little tempted to get myself a sundial watch. If only for the unbelievable banter:
Friend: Have you got the time, Rob?
Me: Let me just check my new SOLAR-POWERED WATCH! Hahahaha!
Friend: Heh. So what’s the time?
Me: …err. I dunno.
So which of the watches above do you think deserves to be crowned ‘the worst watch ever’? Have you seen any watches that you think are worse than these? Have I been too harsh on the old lady who I imagine is hunched over making watches for hardcore quilters? Let me know in the comments.